i was thinking depressing thoughts, but i think i shall save it as draft and considered it stuffed away at the back of my mind. haha

everytime prior to getting results, or some life-changing moment, i always think of two words : WHAT IF.

the steamboat that night was quite ok, but i always prefered staying up for talking. hahaha.

brain too cluttered to blog further. hahaha nitez..

my bro got his results.ok la, but i think he's disappointed. cause it isnt too good. but then i think it's time to move on le. hope this fri when i get my results i can think so too. even if the future does not point to NUS. haiz.

i hope the results is on fri, not mon. dont wanna kill myself with worry over the weekend.

was talking to my dad on the way home.i like talking to him, but our talks always make me think. at one point i told him i know that mum always doted on my brother more, and he replied that he love both of us equally much. i guess i was hoping to hear him say he doted on me more, but it didnt come, that sentence i was hoping for. ha. of course my dad wont say straight out he loves me more, but that instant i felt like i wasnt special. like redundant in this family. perhaps that's why i'm scared to have kids, what if i dont love them and hence indirectly screw their lives up?( mine isnt screwed, yet.)

was wondering was i eager to get my parents' love in primary and sec 1 years that i strived hard for good results? but gradually came to realise that no matter how hard i try, i'll always be the first born baby who wasnt a boy. the boy my mother wanted. so i gave up.

isnt that sad? to let your gender affect your mother's love for you, to feel less of a member of the family? i'm still affected by these thoughts, just that i learnt to ignore them, to push them away to the back of my head.i would think i rather have nobody love me so i could love myself in every way i can. not for some people to love me less than others, to make me doubt my self worth.

but then i dont think i deserve anybody's wholehearted love. i don't think i can love them as much as they deserve. perhaps inevitably in the end, i'm supposed to be alone. perhaps i will always break people's hearts. but perhaps that way i'll live better, albeit sleep with a guilty conscience. cause i just have to selfishly act on my own whims without a thought for others. but to be alone in this world is scarier than death. my personal wish is just to die early. grant me that. i cant see myself in 30 years. hah

but i still know that my parents love me.

I wanna watch Closer, Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, Howl's Moving Castle!!!

wanted to blog yesterday but then too tired to come online, if i did, i'll probably sleep at 12 again. and so i slept at 11. haha like got use. -_-!

came home via publilc transport, and was irritated. hahah. stupid bunch of secondary students calling each other mum, dad, son, and daughter. oh my god! that is so stupidly childish! it really irks me. since primary school, there has been this stupid family tree, and it sometimes extended to aunts uncles and grandparents. and it still exists in secondary and even jc!!unbelievable!

and couple in the honeymoon period aka sickeningly lovey dovey to the core, blocked my way getting off the bus.

steamboat tonight! but the food not ready yet. haha dinner will just have to start late.

yay! i found my ring!!!!! =D
thank god i dun hafta work on sat!! =p but i gonna get fired in the 3rd week of march--MOE budget for temps running low.. hahaha

currently wasting my youth at mum's office..

i might be working in MOE, and i did hear a unit manager say, but i'm not sure the results are out on 4th! but i hope it is la. get it over with. haha duon't fret you people! we'll get good results! =D

i think i should dedicate my saturday to finding the ring! ah!

MOE temp admin clerk. haha the job's ok la=] abit boring,but still bearable. the temp colleagues there are friendly n nice, so are the permanent ones, but they treat temps much like invisibles. results are gonna be out on 4th mar! are you nervous?! ArE yOu NeRvOuS?! ARE YOU NERVOUS?!

and DAMNIT! i lost my ring!!!!! the one dear just gave me for vdae!! =(

watch "I am Sam"!!!!! it's nice! i dunno why, but i've always thought that a father's love can be much more to a child than a mother's love...

and damn it! zhiyong n kangjie in camp on 26th! SHIT! grrrrrrr.. nw are u regretting abit, my girl? u can finally, come early.. hahah

my bro juz reminded mi- results coming out soon! hmmm

i found out the british royal family surname! i think la.. think only lar.. Windsors =]

and yeah, i'm fine. hahah there's nothing serious going on. i was just slightly crazy last night. =p

well, i concede that nobody in their right mind would go for a walk in this crazy fast-paced society, and nobody who would wanna walk would walk at so late a time. but still, going out for a short walk around the neighbourhood at 2135 is not so late. no alarms were needed to be raised.

i hate being interrogated. if i say there's nothing, there's nothing. period. now after being screamed, i'm mad. and hence my silence. but since you thought that i went out because i had some unspeakable problems, my silence would only increase your fears. i know you care,but i really am ok. nothing's wrong.

i won't just run away you know, and i do know that going for a walk at 2135 is unusual but hey, i was feeling restless alright? i'll take care of myself?

thought that maybe you thought i was going to run away. but i aint so dumb. running away does not solve anything. and i have nothing to run away from,except maybe responsibilities and the mundane mind-boggling details of life, but well i accept that shit happens. =]

thought of scaring you by telling you yes, i will be going to a lesbian pub. but i decided, i shall spare a thought for you. after all, i love you.

i didnt mean to make you worry. you're the people i love most in the world, and the ones i'm closest to.

i'm pissed off by my bro! thank god i'm gonna start work soon. 3 more daes n u hafta find mi in an asylum. tt fellow is siao man!

[edited for obscenities =p ]

hmm i suddenly rmb wad a fren said.. she sae she dun like to be attached, cos she will feel attached. like unable to exist as a separate individual frm her bf. like will constantly miss him, wanna c him, and perhaps constantly accomodating him. is there no such thing as non-dependent love? but i tot love at its best is to help two individuals become the best of wad they can be?

get my drift? talking to shell la make me think. hahaha..

got a job! starting work on mondae! at buona vista moe trainee teacher unit. doing admin stuff. =] yay!

watching movies when they inevitably end up with a split personality disorder person is not exactly that interesting anymore.. think a la Identity..must mention though, Dakota Fanning acts well =]

mother's colleagues are coming over for dinner, and i just knew about it half an hour ago. when will she learn to include or at least inform us of plans that so clearly involve the whole family?

pessimism is a bad thing.. like smoking.. hee =p

happy vdae to all ydae.. hmm talked alot to sc todae.. it'snt gonna be easy, n i duno if i can do it. but i'll try, n i noe he will too..

i dun like promises. bcos there is a saying "promises are made to be broken". i dun like hearing promises, would much prefer juz to see e words of e promise carried out. i dun like giving promises, cos i'm scared i will break them. argh.

hope i get e job wif weeinn..

kboxed todae.. happy =p but no yuan you hui or common jasmine orange! =[

i dun wan u to leave mi..cos i love u

y does tired... sound different frm lei4 le..
xinku...

ThE rEaSoN
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

nice song ya.. watching mtvasia concert for tsunami aid relief..
mahjong e whole nite.

I'm a pessimist.

prince charles is going to marry camilla parker bowles! damn. why do they get a happy ending when they indirectly drove princess diana to her own grave? and what's the royal family's last name anyway?

[my own answer: prince! haha you see, prince charles, prince william, prince harry. hahahahahahaah -_- ]

watched constantine wif gen this aftrnn..quite a nice show. like constantine's manner of talking. haha but if u're planning to watch, pls bk online. e crowd's crazy. haha i met gen at 1330 praying to catch 1350 show, though i noe impossible la. budden i din imagine e nx best seats are 1630. kaoz. haha

on e bus i saw sth which set me thinking. n once i start,cant stop. sorry. haha

there was this husband wife n daughter.but e couple dun look together. like nt compatible la. budden who am i to judge? n e lil ger was sitting wif her mum,squirming,trying to get closer to her.n i think she pinched the mother a few times, den her mum cldnt control n pinched her once to get her to stop it. n den immediately regretted it, kept apologising while giving her hugs.

at first when i saw this family, my first thought was, is this what i'll become in the future? in somebody's eyes, a mother, a wife. that all? will you see me for myself? then i was thinking, would i be as impatient as this mother? i think i will, most probably. another thought that crossed my mind was, would i really wanna bring a child into this world, full of evil and sins? partly after effects of constantine also la. budden i've had this tot b4 too. i stimes think of bringing a child into this world as a gift, other times, as a crime. it juz depends on hw u look at this world huh?

hmm still have other thoughts but currently incapable of putting them into words.

beginning to dislike vdae. highly commercialised. n it's only my 2nd vdae. can dun wan any more vdaes? miss those innocent daes, when vdaes meant giving sweets to all my frens, to thank them for being my frens. those daes are gone i guess...but i miss going from 3A to 3L giving sweets, shouting happy vdae! li3 qing1 qing2 yi4 zhong4 ar..

had a crazy thought just nw. if u dare step on my slippers, i shld take a leaf frm constantine's book, and gif u e middle finger. n if u step on my heels[ which i tot was impossible, but apparently some idiot succeeded], i shld crush ur toes under my heels. hahahahahahaha i am evil!

are you good? or evil? ~what you do in life echoes into eternity~

was screening thru my email folder juz nw. i rmb i used to keep alot of things inside.. but i once deleted some emails which were precious to me, in juz a little silly fit of childishness. n i juz deleted some more things juz now.i dun really noe y i keep e things i keep, i juz do.

hmmm there was an email which contained 99 things gers shld noe abt guys. e 99th was, Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in e relationship. which probably (can u pronounce it?=p) says sth abt guys n gers. i think gers think too much when it comes to loving someone,so they are unable to love fully.a guy perhaps juz love e ger wholeheartedly, w/o so much mulling. OR maybe a ger keeps a bigger part of her heart for family, and frens. haha it's juz me speculating.

i seldom forward emails much less compose one. but when i do, it's most likely to be sth tt i cant sae face-to-face, sth i had to think for v long b4 finally getting e right words. so usually it's sth frm e bottom of my heart.but maybe sth painful.

hmm shld start looking for a job. dun wanna rot. =O

hmm i like e mood in e air pre new yr..but when new yr comes along i inevitably get abit sianz. like there's not much to celebrate? there shld be lotsa noise, fun laughter n gd frens n family roaring in ur hse. but somehow it doesnt happen. e first dae is muted,staying at home.. n the 2nd dae is juz routine.

maybe one dae i'll escape new yr to go awae to some nice exotic western country. hahaha, the only thing diff this yr is of e 2 steamboat dinners.. which i'm looking forward to.. =]

suddenly at ahma's hse i'm attacked by a fear that i wldnt noe hw much more new years i can spend wif ahma.

treasure who u love!

hmmm nobody's blogging. n i juz went for my checkup todae. A-ok lo.

not really enthu abt the reunion dinner tonight. dunno y. gonna slp for 2 hrs now. haha

happy new yr everyone!

i wld love for my blog to be using the cursor i am currently using, but well, i cant do it. so nvm. =]

when i have sth to blog, i can blog for ages. but even though i may think alot, sths are better left to myself. if i wanted to tell u, i would tell u face-to-face. if i dun, pls dun ask. of cos, by the time u ask mi, i may have forgotten. hahha

i think cny is a more significant beginning for me, rather than the 1st jan new year's dae. perhaps is due to having to clean my room n throw awae all e excess junk. perhaps this is e time of e year when i esp miss gatherings, n therefore promise to meet up wif my frens more often.perhaps, every cny, i grow older, that's y i think more. haha

lazy to blog le.

staying at home for too long makes me easily irritated. stuffy heat and damn boredom. thank god cny's coming. =]

jay rox! =D

can anybody pls enlighten mi how to change the colour of my tagboard so that no other person will do the same moronic thing as i n yj did?
hahah i tot i moron le she oso. hahahahahaha

haha i'm jobless! n i'm cleaning my room! which became messier after i started. hahaha din noe i had so much rubbish! budden again, it's alwaes in some secluded cupboard where i cant see(or rather chose to ignore) hahaha=p only halfwae thru, shall try hard to continue.. i have lotsa dust particles flying about in my room,care for Brownian experiment, anyone?

i've a busy new year ahead! yay!! happy!

mango systems repaired my com! but they said my speakers are goner! hahah nvm, i shall live with that. so dun u send mi any songs or videos! grrr

torn by this sales job. hmm i kinda frustrated for a few days now. actually i have nothing against sales. but i would rather do promoter, sales asst kind of job rather than a salesman. i dunno how i got embroiled into this stage. maybe i havent been brave enough to speak up for myself so far. but i'm determined to quit. i dun wan to be so contradictory, so unsettled.

but i'm so scared i will regret it later.. wad if this is a chance to uncover the potential businesswoman in me? perhaps i shld try to try? but i cant seem to get past myself. nv tot i wld be stuck in a job which i dun look forward to, a job i dun wan to wake up to work. kinda fucking irritating. pardon me.

i juz received sms.. i quitted! hmmm after so much emotional torment.

find a job together anyone? =)